the voice of my beloved

This Sunday the lectionary actually includes a text from Song of Solomon! The church ignores this book--it is good to have a chance to preach out of it. About 15 years ago, it began to be the fashion to decry the "allegorizing" of the eroticism in this book. For most of the history of the church, it has been described as a love scene between Christ and the church, or Christ and the Christian. In an attempt to reclaim sexuality, some authors have insisted that it is actually speaking of two lovers (married? not? who knows?), with a celebration of the erotic aspect of love. These authors deride the allegory, saying it is just another attempt to "spiritualize" sex.

And this Sunday I will probably talk a bit about how it has been interpreted through the ages. (who knows what its original intent was! some historical-critical questions can't be answered). But the bulk of my sermon will be on how a major theme in mysticism is erotic mysticism (or bridal mysticis)--that in some way, communion with God is so very erotic, and yes, very sensual.

Some people look at Teresa of Avila and scoff as some of her descriptions of her interactions with "His Majesty" (as she likes to call God). These writers like to point out how Teresa is "obviously" sublimating intense sexual feelings. These authors have clearly never had a genuine encounter with God with erotic overtones. In my experience, spirituality and sexuality can be next door neighbors--I daresay they share some of the same neuronal pathways. And why not? Consolations and the like are spiritual experiences that are in some way similar to physical experience. Erotic mysticism is another valid expression of God's closeness--not something generated by our psyche. What is peculiar about all of this kind of talk is that you don't have the foggiest idea what it means until you have had the experience.

Having said all of that, it also seems to me such experience is more commonly found in beginning mystics. It is always dicey--trying to talk about development in contemplatives and mystics. God dances with us in so many different ways. Nonetheless, in my own experience, erotic mystical experience was more common during my spiritual awakening than it is now.

Free will and God's will

I saw my spiritual director today. I told him about all the ministry opportunities I can see developing. He insists that it is up to me to choose a path--that God gave me free will and I should use it! I, on the other hand, want to think that God has a particularly job for me, and that if I will do that job, then God will honor my efforts with success and happiness. And that when I am not "successful" (whatever that means!), it simply means that I have not been obedient and not done what God wants me to do. And if I want to be successful and have a powerful ministry, then all I have to do is to figure out what God wants me to do.

I realize that this is a very infantile way of relating to God, and I realize that I am waaaaay too old to be carrying this kind of relationship with God in my heart. But dang it--I wish life with God worked this way!!! I don't want to grow up!!!!!

When God can get creative

I'm in one of those periods in my life where I have no idea what is going to happen next. I don't seem to be in much of a "career track"--I'm too much of a grasshopper for that. And I feel the bonds tying me to certain roles or communities loosening. Of course, it gets pretty scary when this happens. I have no idea what is going to happen next or where I'll get my next paycheck. But, this is also when God can be Her most creative in my life--when I have so few expectations, requirements or restrictions on who I think I am or what I think I should be doing.

The nice thing about times like these is that it keeps life interesting. I don't get stuck in one particular track--I don't get bored. This is a time when God can put new people and new trajectories into my life. I can count on something new and interesting happening. The downside of times like these is that they are terrifying! Sometimes it seems like I can either be terrified and interested, or safe and bored.

It seems to me that I am at a real crossroads at the moment. I don't have a particular sense of closeness to God right now. But, I do have a strong sense that God is moving in powerful ways in my life right now. Interesting, it seems He is moving more strongly than even some of those times when I have felt God's presence most keenly. God is infinitely creative and creating. Praise be to God!

Silence and solitude

Well, I've done it. I've arranged to have seven days off in a row to go on a silent retreat. The only problem is that I have not found a monastic community with whom to make a retreat, so I will be doing this one at home--don't know how it will work.

Usually I manage to find a cell or trailer or some other space with a community that prays the offices. I join them for the offices and for daily communion, and the rest of the time I hike or pray or read--but mostly pray and think. There is something about making a silent retreat that stills all the "junk" that goes on inside of me. Each retreat is different, but usually there is a time of intense engagement with God, and a time of intense engagement with all my demons, and finally--that last 24 or 48 hours, a time of deep deep peace.

I usually make two or three silent retreats a year. Recently my heart has been tugging at me--sometimes that happens--the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to go away from everyone and every thing and just be open to God. It is not a getting away from people and demands of everyday life, as much as a pull towards a communion that I only find in endless silence and solitude.

I didn't think I would be able to clear my calendar and find the people necessary to cover my responsibilities. I couldn't understand why I couldn't find someone to preach for me, given the intensity of the Holy Spirit's pull on me right now. But it turned out I simply had not yet found the right person. When I did, it all fell into place.

It is funny, sometimes the Holy Spirit pulls at me with increasing urgency, and I practically run to my place of retreat--and then nothing!! Here I am, thinking God has something profound to stay to me, I finally get settled into a place of solitude and silence, and I can't find a spark of the divine within me! That is one of the God-games that is so much a part of my life. But it doesn't matter. When God starts tugging on me like this, I can only say "no" for a short period of time. Then I must fly to my Lover's arms.

St. Benedict's Feast Day

Happy St. Benedict's feast day! Benedict wrote a rule of life for Christians living in community. His rule of life has been used by people for over 1500 years to help them grow closer to God. I discovered the rule when I was in seminary and began adopting Benedictine principles for my own rule of life. The centerpiece of his rule is chapter 7 on Humility. Humility is not a best seller right now. It is hard for people to understand why humility would pull us closer to God. But for me, humility is the thing I most need to enjoy God and God's people most fully.

I could talk about humility a lot of ways, but for this post let me just say that humility is the only antidote I know of for shame. Shame is a physiological response. Mostly we want to ignore it, prevent it or avoid it--it is a yucky feeling and no one in their right mind wants to embrace it! But to avoid all of the spiritual and psychological problems that come from shame, that is exactly what we have to do--embrace shame. The only way to manage shame effectively is to allow it to move through us and then we move on. And that is what humility is--the ability to live with a spasm of shame and not get caught up with that.

Now for the spiritual part of this process: Humility is a gift from God. Like all of God's gifts, it infuses our bodies and our souls with grace. I believe grace is also a physiological process. Humility heals our wounds from shaming.

I have learned many things about being a friend of God from Benedict's rule. But this is the thing that has made the biggest difference.

Restless hearts

I believe that we all have a deep, down insatiable yearning for God. And I think that that yearning is, itself, God's touch on our soul. If we want to know God, to directly encounter God, I believe we can best begin by attending to that desire--that is a trace of God's fingerprints on our soul.

It is an odd thing. The more frequently God touches the soul, the more insatiable is our yearning for God. It is a loving touch that creates a wound--and the only cure is more of God (which creates a more of a wound!)

My life partner once said that she thinks that God "trolls" for friends with mystical experiences. Most people have a mystical experience or two (or three). But then the next step is up to us--will we drop everything to pursue God? Teresa says deepening prayer requires silence, solitude, suffering and humility. The suffering comes of its own, but we have to create the silence and the solitude. I think humility is a gift.

There have been times in my life when I have dropped everything to focus on God. It is a wonderful/aweful thing to become so besotted, so ensnared by LOVE. But in my experience, it is also somewhat cyclic. After a while, I am tempted to be captured by other idols: entertainment, greed, pride, just about anything. And I forget "the one important thing". If I am lucky, I have an opportunity to turn back, to repent, to fall back into the arms of my beloved, who is always waiting for me.

Head over heels in love

About 10 years ago I had a spiritual awakening that opened up a whole new area of experience of the divine. Some people encounter God as they are with the poor. Others see God most clearly in other people. But my most intense experience of the divine is in the silence and solitude of contemplative prayer. Maybe that is because I am an introvert--don't know! But I do know that God took over my pray-ing about 10 years ago, and my life has never been the same since then. I started with a yearning for God, and spent lots of frustrating hours trying to "meditate" (I never did figure that out too well). Then God took pity on me and drew me to herself--folded me in his arms--ravished my soul and filled me with divine delight--a delight that drives me to be completely owned by God. Now all I care about is being God's. A Sufi poem describes it well:

Slaves and cattle are branded
to name ownership
My lover has branded me so that I am not mine
but His.
His voice has branded my ear,
His touch my skin.
My eyes are blinded to all
but His Form
My mouth has been reshaped
by His Kiss
And would taste only
His Sweetness.
When I do not breathe His Perfume
the air is foul
My heart is branded with His Name
And it cries out endlessly
Having been given freedom
I burn and wait for Him to
claim His Ownership.

Praying the offices

For a long time I have been working on a rule of life--a pattern of spiritual disciplines that will sensitize me to God's presence. I confess I am not rigid. I simply try to do the spiritual practices more often than not. One daily practice I try to keep is to pray the morning and evening office. I have found it much easier to do every since I found online versions. I have discovered that if I really really want to know God, constancy is important. Teresa of Avila said "God will withold himself (sic) from noone who perseveres." And, I am not very good with constancy. But, saying the offices online has made a BIG difference in my daily practice. My laptop becomes my altar!

GodGod&MoreGod

I have a friend who once said to me: "All I want is God, God and more God"! Me too. I want God--in me, around me, through me. I have this humongous God-shaped hole, right smack dab in the middle of my heart. I want to be saturated and drenched with grace, with love, with God! So I thought I would start this blog to talk about finding God--being found by God--and maybe find other people--people who are friends of God or who want to be friends of God. I thought we could talk about searching for God, being found by God, finding God. One of my favorite spiritual writers is Teresa of Avila. This is her picture: