Silence and solitude

Well, I've done it. I've arranged to have seven days off in a row to go on a silent retreat. The only problem is that I have not found a monastic community with whom to make a retreat, so I will be doing this one at home--don't know how it will work.

Usually I manage to find a cell or trailer or some other space with a community that prays the offices. I join them for the offices and for daily communion, and the rest of the time I hike or pray or read--but mostly pray and think. There is something about making a silent retreat that stills all the "junk" that goes on inside of me. Each retreat is different, but usually there is a time of intense engagement with God, and a time of intense engagement with all my demons, and finally--that last 24 or 48 hours, a time of deep deep peace.

I usually make two or three silent retreats a year. Recently my heart has been tugging at me--sometimes that happens--the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to go away from everyone and every thing and just be open to God. It is not a getting away from people and demands of everyday life, as much as a pull towards a communion that I only find in endless silence and solitude.

I didn't think I would be able to clear my calendar and find the people necessary to cover my responsibilities. I couldn't understand why I couldn't find someone to preach for me, given the intensity of the Holy Spirit's pull on me right now. But it turned out I simply had not yet found the right person. When I did, it all fell into place.

It is funny, sometimes the Holy Spirit pulls at me with increasing urgency, and I practically run to my place of retreat--and then nothing!! Here I am, thinking God has something profound to stay to me, I finally get settled into a place of solitude and silence, and I can't find a spark of the divine within me! That is one of the God-games that is so much a part of my life. But it doesn't matter. When God starts tugging on me like this, I can only say "no" for a short period of time. Then I must fly to my Lover's arms.