I'm in one of those periods in my life where I have no idea what is going to happen next. I don't seem to be in much of a "career track"--I'm too much of a grasshopper for that. And I feel the bonds tying me to certain roles or communities loosening. Of course, it gets pretty scary when this happens. I have no idea what is going to happen next or where I'll get my next paycheck. But, this is also when God can be Her most creative in my life--when I have so few expectations, requirements or restrictions on who I think I am or what I think I should be doing.
The nice thing about times like these is that it keeps life interesting. I don't get stuck in one particular track--I don't get bored. This is a time when God can put new people and new trajectories into my life. I can count on something new and interesting happening. The downside of times like these is that they are terrifying! Sometimes it seems like I can either be terrified and interested, or safe and bored.
It seems to me that I am at a real crossroads at the moment. I don't have a particular sense of closeness to God right now. But, I do have a strong sense that God is moving in powerful ways in my life right now. Interesting, it seems He is moving more strongly than even some of those times when I have felt God's presence most keenly. God is infinitely creative and creating. Praise be to God!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Silence and solitude
Well, I've done it. I've arranged to have seven days off in a row to go on a silent retreat. The only problem is that I have not found a monastic community with whom to make a retreat, so I will be doing this one at home--don't know how it will work.
Usually I manage to find a cell or trailer or some other space with a community that prays the offices. I join them for the offices and for daily communion, and the rest of the time I hike or pray or read--but mostly pray and think. There is something about making a silent retreat that stills all the "junk" that goes on inside of me. Each retreat is different, but usually there is a time of intense engagement with God, and a time of intense engagement with all my demons, and finally--that last 24 or 48 hours, a time of deep deep peace.
I usually make two or three silent retreats a year. Recently my heart has been tugging at me--sometimes that happens--the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to go away from everyone and every thing and just be open to God. It is not a getting away from people and demands of everyday life, as much as a pull towards a communion that I only find in endless silence and solitude.
I didn't think I would be able to clear my calendar and find the people necessary to cover my responsibilities. I couldn't understand why I couldn't find someone to preach for me, given the intensity of the Holy Spirit's pull on me right now. But it turned out I simply had not yet found the right person. When I did, it all fell into place.
It is funny, sometimes the Holy Spirit pulls at me with increasing urgency, and I practically run to my place of retreat--and then nothing!! Here I am, thinking God has something profound to stay to me, I finally get settled into a place of solitude and silence, and I can't find a spark of the divine within me! That is one of the God-games that is so much a part of my life. But it doesn't matter. When God starts tugging on me like this, I can only say "no" for a short period of time. Then I must fly to my Lover's arms.
Usually I manage to find a cell or trailer or some other space with a community that prays the offices. I join them for the offices and for daily communion, and the rest of the time I hike or pray or read--but mostly pray and think. There is something about making a silent retreat that stills all the "junk" that goes on inside of me. Each retreat is different, but usually there is a time of intense engagement with God, and a time of intense engagement with all my demons, and finally--that last 24 or 48 hours, a time of deep deep peace.
I usually make two or three silent retreats a year. Recently my heart has been tugging at me--sometimes that happens--the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to go away from everyone and every thing and just be open to God. It is not a getting away from people and demands of everyday life, as much as a pull towards a communion that I only find in endless silence and solitude.
I didn't think I would be able to clear my calendar and find the people necessary to cover my responsibilities. I couldn't understand why I couldn't find someone to preach for me, given the intensity of the Holy Spirit's pull on me right now. But it turned out I simply had not yet found the right person. When I did, it all fell into place.
It is funny, sometimes the Holy Spirit pulls at me with increasing urgency, and I practically run to my place of retreat--and then nothing!! Here I am, thinking God has something profound to stay to me, I finally get settled into a place of solitude and silence, and I can't find a spark of the divine within me! That is one of the God-games that is so much a part of my life. But it doesn't matter. When God starts tugging on me like this, I can only say "no" for a short period of time. Then I must fly to my Lover's arms.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
St. Benedict's Feast Day
Happy St. Benedict's feast day! Benedict wrote a rule of life for Christians living in community. His rule of life has been used by people for over 1500 years to help them grow closer to God. I discovered the rule when I was in seminary and began adopting Benedictine principles for my own rule of life. The centerpiece of his rule is chapter 7 on Humility. Humility is not a best seller right now. It is hard for people to understand why humility would pull us closer to God. But for me, humility is the thing I most need to enjoy God and God's people most fully.
I could talk about humility a lot of ways, but for this post let me just say that humility is the only antidote I know of for shame. Shame is a physiological response. Mostly we want to ignore it, prevent it or avoid it--it is a yucky feeling and no one in their right mind wants to embrace it! But to avoid all of the spiritual and psychological problems that come from shame, that is exactly what we have to do--embrace shame. The only way to manage shame effectively is to allow it to move through us and then we move on. And that is what humility is--the ability to live with a spasm of shame and not get caught up with that.
Now for the spiritual part of this process: Humility is a gift from God. Like all of God's gifts, it infuses our bodies and our souls with grace. I believe grace is also a physiological process. Humility heals our wounds from shaming.
I have learned many things about being a friend of God from Benedict's rule. But this is the thing that has made the biggest difference.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Restless hearts
I believe that we all have a deep, down insatiable yearning for God. And I think that that yearning is, itself, God's touch on our soul. If we want to know God, to directly encounter God, I believe we can best begin by attending to that desire--that is a trace of God's fingerprints on our soul.
It is an odd thing. The more frequently God touches the soul, the more insatiable is our yearning for God. It is a loving touch that creates a wound--and the only cure is more of God (which creates a more of a wound!)
My life partner once said that she thinks that God "trolls" for friends with mystical experiences. Most people have a mystical experience or two (or three). But then the next step is up to us--will we drop everything to pursue God? Teresa says deepening prayer requires silence, solitude, suffering and humility. The suffering comes of its own, but we have to create the silence and the solitude. I think humility is a gift.
There have been times in my life when I have dropped everything to focus on God. It is a wonderful/aweful thing to become so besotted, so ensnared by LOVE. But in my experience, it is also somewhat cyclic. After a while, I am tempted to be captured by other idols: entertainment, greed, pride, just about anything. And I forget "the one important thing". If I am lucky, I have an opportunity to turn back, to repent, to fall back into the arms of my beloved, who is always waiting for me.
It is an odd thing. The more frequently God touches the soul, the more insatiable is our yearning for God. It is a loving touch that creates a wound--and the only cure is more of God (which creates a more of a wound!)
My life partner once said that she thinks that God "trolls" for friends with mystical experiences. Most people have a mystical experience or two (or three). But then the next step is up to us--will we drop everything to pursue God? Teresa says deepening prayer requires silence, solitude, suffering and humility. The suffering comes of its own, but we have to create the silence and the solitude. I think humility is a gift.
There have been times in my life when I have dropped everything to focus on God. It is a wonderful/aweful thing to become so besotted, so ensnared by LOVE. But in my experience, it is also somewhat cyclic. After a while, I am tempted to be captured by other idols: entertainment, greed, pride, just about anything. And I forget "the one important thing". If I am lucky, I have an opportunity to turn back, to repent, to fall back into the arms of my beloved, who is always waiting for me.
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